Day 35: Struggling.

I won't bore you all much with the details of my run today. All you really need to know is that I finished, and it was miserable. Steep uphills seem to be the norm right now. And with a complete lack of energy to begin the day and virtually no leg strength coming off a rest day, the steep just seems steeper and the elevation just seems to take more of my breath away. I nearly collapsed at the end of the first 4 miles. And I was ghostly white right before beginning the afternoon run, so much that Mom suggested I not continue today. Stubborn as always, I ran anyway. Luckily, the last 8 miles were all downhill, deep into the Salt River Canyon bottom. All I had to do was be able to pick my legs up and try to keep up with the rest of my body. As a reward for finishing today, I get to climb the incredibly steep ascent back out of the canyon first thing tomorrow. And by the end of the run tomorrow, I will be at nearly 6,300 feet of elevation.
Now, as for the reason I was gassed today. It probably had something to do with the whopping 1 hour of sleep I got last night. That's right, 1 hour of sleep. Now, somedays, during normal life, I could make it fine on that. Just slam coffee all day and be okay. But when running 20 miles a day, decent sleep becomes quite the necessity. Why did I only get an hour of sleep? Let's just say the mind can be a dangerous thing from time to time.
I have to confess, I haven't been completely honest with you all throughout these blogs. I have withheld much of the negative stuff, and I really don't know why. I don't know if I am trying to keep myself motivated by leaving out the really tough things, or if I am making sure that I keep anyone who has been motivated by omitting some details that may be downers. Maybe I feel like I am protecting you from having to read the most physically and emotionally painful details of the journey. But you are all adults, you could handle it. Maybe I just don't want to open myself up to scrutiny by stopping short of the complete truth. Whatever it is, I am going to try to let you all in on a bit of the tougher times I've had so far. So I will apologize in advance for being a Debby Downer tonight.
First, let me say that this run has been everything I expected it to be and more to this point. There have been many ups and downs already. Physically, there are days when nothing seems to hurt, and I feel invincable. However, there are many more days when I struggle to finish 20 miles. Now, I do feel as if my body is beginning to adjust to the stress, and that is a good sign. But, most mornings I struggle to even walk for the first hour I am awake, and most evenings I have to crawl into the van because I am hurting so much. This is the easiest part to deal with, because mentally I am tough, and physically I am tough enough to continue moving each day through sometimes severe pain. Now, before you start throwing sympathy my way, remember, I'm a big boy, and I knew what I would be facing out here, haha.
The most difficult thing to deal with out here is the emotional rollercoaster. Of course, there are so many wonderful highs, like the satisfaction of completing each run, the emotional lift of meeting military personnel, and of course the great feeling I get from the support you all give me. But, just as I have those feelings of joy, happiness, elation, and peace, I also have feelings of sadness, anxiety, depression, and probably worst of all, discouragement.
All of those negative feelings seem to be intertwined, not only during this trip, but throughout my life in general. It is true of me that, 90% of the time, I am an extremely happy person. But, when the other 10% shows up, it is a deep hole. I don't believe that I am a special case; everyone has emotional ups and downs. I don't claim to be bi-polar or manic depressive. It's just that depression grabs ahold of me pretty tightly sometimes, and drags me under the water for a long time. This is where I was last night about 10pm, when I was getting ready to lay down and try to sleep.
This is some truth I have left out so far. I am somewhat discouraged. For whatever reason, it just creeped in, and once it does, it seems to spread like a virus in my mind. Some things I am currently very discouraged about: 1. I haven't had an online donation in over 2 weeks. When I first set out to raise money for the WWP, I didn't want to put a goal, or ceiling as I thought of it, on what I wanted to raise. I guess I thought the sky's the limit in that case. Now I am seriously second guessing that decision. Maybe I should have said $25,000. But I was hoping for more like $50,000 to $100,000. I know, I dream big. I also know things are tough out there these days, and I can't just expect people to donate their hard earned money. I am just discouraged that I am not going about it the right way. I keep thinking maybe some businesses will come through with big donations, but so far, nothing. I keep thinking maybe the story will get picked up nationally, and that will make fundraising better. But, in spite of all of Mom's hard work calling and emailing people, all I've gotten so far is 3 newspaper stories, 2 local tv stories, and 2 local radio interviews. I know, every little bit helps, but I was hoping for a little more.
2. Being discouraged about that starts to get me discouraged about the run. I start to question whether I can continue to put my body through this much constant stress without negative long-term effects. I wonder if we are getting the word out about the run, and the reasons for it, to enough people. I wonder if I can finish. Discouragement, for me, is a slippery slope.
3. Worrying about all that immediate stuff begins to discourage me about the bigger picture. Will this really change me as I want it to? What do I do when I get home? Why, at age 32, do I not have a wife, and a family, when I know I have wanted one for so long? What is wrong with me? How could I have let myself go like this, that I have to do something this drastic to get back? Blah, blah, blah, etc. etc. etc. That is why discouragement is such a virus to my mind, because when I let it in just a small amount, it can take over so quickly. This is where I was last night, still awake at 3, 4, and 5 am. Allowing my mind to be poisoned with all of these thoughts, and it was impossible to get away from them.
I don't mean to unleash all of these negative vibes to you, but I feel I must. Usually, I just stuff them way down deep, until they all come flooding out in a nervous breakdown, like the one I had when I was 17 years old. I mean honestly, how much could I possibly have been dealing with at age 17!? This is just me, trying to be honest with you all. As I said previously, I am not looking for a pity party, and I apologize for the tone of this blog. I just want you all to know, and remember, that everyone has good days and bad days. Hopefully, you have a chance and take the chance to turn someone's bad day good. And hopefully you aren't often the reason for someone's good day turning bad. We are all dealing with internal issues in life, so try to have a little more patience with other people, because you may not know the struggles they are facing. After this blog, I am definitely going to go back to trying to POSITIVELY influence you all, haha. Anyway, thanks for listening, understanding, and hopefully still following along with me on this fantastic journey, even in the tough times. Goodnight. (At least I hope it is this time, haha.)